What is the Most Important Element in a Marriage?

What does it take to make a marriage work? People have been asking this question for decades. Some say trust, respect, loyalty, forgiveness, or the ability to listen. Some even say "don't go to bed mad", or more comically, "lower your expectations". What do you think is the most important element in a marriage, or in any relationship for that matter?

The truth is the success of any marriage or relationship depends on the two personalities involved. It depends on the couples' priorities, values, and beliefs. For some couples it may be trust or respect or the ability to listen that works best for them. These no doubt are all crucial elements to a marriage. However, another biggie that is not often mentioned in these cases is communication.

It's truly amazing the problems that can arise from a lack of communication. It can cause problems in every aspect of your marriage or relationship...from finances, to raising children, to domestic chores, to romance and sex. All of these can leave a person feeling disconnected, disappointed, and lonely. Only at this point does a partner often sink into loneliness and despair, where he or she feels disrespected, taken advantage of, or just plain hurt. Some even look outside a relationship or marriage for intimacy...whether it is physical or emotional. Partners don't necessarily do this to be resentful or deceitful, but when you feel unhappy or like you aren't connecting with your partner, it is only natural for you to begin thinking about someone else or maybe a way out completely.

While infidelity is among the top ten reasons for couples to divorce or even break up, communication is also on that same list. And I bet ten to one that in many instances infidelity can be directly linked to communication, or lack thereof, in one form or another. I'm sure there are cases out there where infidelity is caused for selfish reasons. I am in no way defending or promoting infidelity in any way. I just believe the real, underlying problem is often communication...and it is sad that so many couples face this but do not realize what the real problem is.

Communication is an extremely vital element in marriage that is often overlooked. It is a biological fact that men and women have two completely different styles of communicating. There's no way around this. However, there are ways we as humans and partners can deal with it. One of the most effective ways is to practice empathic listening. Empathic listening is listening to another person speak and focus solely on what the person is saying. When you are in the middle of a heated discussion it is often difficult to put aside your own emotions to listen to the other, especially when you are angry or upset, or even in the middle of an emotionally charged situation. But this step is crucial in order to really listen or reach your partner and avoid arguments. It is also important to take turns speaking and listening so each person gets his or her own time to talk and listen...that way both sides are heard, recognized, and respected. Unfortunately, we do not develop this skill in our childhoods. At least most of us don't. This skill needs to be practiced and learned in order for it to really work effectively.

So what do I know about this? I've been married for a little less than three years and I've only been with my husband for a total of six years, so I couldn't possibly understand the problems couples face who have been married or have been together for ten, twenty, or thirty or more years...nor am I trying to. I simply felt it was appropriate to blog on this topic as this is one of the most crucial items I've learned in only a few years of marriage. I've also learned in that time that this is an area where many couples find difficulty.

However, I can comfortably say that in my three years of marriage, my husband and I have dealt with problems, I mean real problems that some do not face in a lifetime. My husband and I have faced impaling illnesses, injuries, job loss, family deaths or illnesses, moving, financial struggles, separations, court hearings, and we became a step family...all in the matter of a few years. Now that we approach our third year wedding anniversary, we are run down, weary, and feel like we are about fifty years old. We are plain old sick and tired of life...already. Unfortunately, these issues have come between us more than we would have liked. However, in the worst times, we have found that practicing effective communication really and truly is the way out.

Sometimes it's just a matter of feeling like you've got another person on your side at all times. It is even worse when you have to face these issues and you can't really connect with the other person about your fears or concerns. Then you feel like you are dealing with the problems all on your own...which can be a recipe for disaster. These situations can often raise "red flags" in the mind of a person. At that point you begin thinking, "well, I might as well be on my own since I feel that way anyways." It doesn't have to be that way...no matter how bad things may seem.

What causes a lack in communication? This can be difficult to decipher. Again, it really depends on the person. We are already at a disadvantage since men and women communicate differently. One of the most common issues that arise is the woman's need to vent, and the man's need to fix. Often times a woman will come home from work and vent about her day. At this point she may be speaking passionately or may be "fired up" about something that may have happened at work. While this is happening, the man is thinking of ways to "fix" the situation...so he may offer advice such as "why don't you look for another job?" or "why don't you tell your co-worker to mind his/her own business?" This can commonly come across to the woman that the man is annoyed with her for complaining. She may retort with "I don't want another job, you aren't listening!" And thus an argument begins. Men need to understand that more often than not, a woman just wants to vent; to get things off her chest. One the other hand, women need to understand that the man wants to "fix" the situation...because ladies, it is true that men who really love us just want us to be happy. To avoid this, women can often tell her partner, "I don't want you to feel like you have to 'fix' anything, I just need to listen." A lot of times this can help as the man suddenly feels "off the hook" and he knows that the only thing he needs to do is listen.

This is probably a very straight forward example. However, it would be naive to think that this is the only situation that causes arguments. When you have been with someone for a significant amount of time, you learn their "trigger objects" or what sets them off. In many relationships one person can unintentionally set the other person off. For example, you may scream or swear at another driver who cuts you off or may have almost caused an accident. Your anger may make the other person who is sitting in the passenger's seat feel uneasy or uncomfortable. The partner in the passenger's seat may make an angered or negative comment, maybe because he or she is acting out of fear or apprehension. Then, that reaction will set off the already angered driver...ultimately resulting in another argument. And so the vicious cycle continues. While this may also be another naive example, you can apply this situation to other more intense emotionally charged situations. In cases where a partner may feel unloved, ignored, or not cared for, it could be a simple case where the other partner's behavior is misinterpreted. Maybe the other partner isn't sure of what the others' needs are, or how to react when the other is upset. Maybe one partner feels like the other wants to be left alone when the other needs romance or compassion. Again, all this can be resolved with communication.

I know, easier said than done, right? Communication is not an easy thing to instill in a relationship or marriage. It takes practice and a lot of work. But any marriage or relationship that is worth it to you will be worth the time. It's difficult to break this cycle and get on the right path...the path that leaves to healthy and effective communication which equals more love and understanding and compassion for both partners.


Copyright: 2012, J.H. Language Solutions

Photo © Yanik Chauvin | Dreamstime.com

Marriage

"Marriage isn't for the squeamish. Both husband and wife must let their inner child play dirty if they want their marriage to survive and flourish...Mistakes will be inevitable, of course, but a shower of love and forgiveness will cleanse the union, and the healing will then begin."

- "Killjoy" by Julie Garwood

What is a Mother?

No language can express the power, and beauty, and heroism, and majesty of a mother's love. It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over wastes of worldly fortunes sends the radiance of its quenchless fidelity like a star.  ~Edwin Hubbell Chapin

I realize that Mother's Day has long past for the year. My intentions were to write this article for then, however, I found it incredibly hard to put this article together. It really didn't occur to me until I began writing this the crucial role that mothers play in our development as human beings and in our lives. First off, I'd like to begin by discussing the term, as well as the role of a "mother". What is a mother?

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "mother" as:

a : a female parent b (1) : a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women (2) : an old or elderly woman 

 

I think both these definitions are up for debate. In today's world, mothers aren't necessarily "parents", by definition, nor are they necessarily female. So, I ask again, what is a mother?

How would you describe a mother? Perhaps your mother was how a mother "should" be, in that this person was nurturing, loving, affectionate, protecting, and compassionate. Or perhaps your mother was distant, cold, maybe even abusive. Or perhaps your "mother" was a stepparent, or a grandmother, or a sister, a foster mother, or even a surrogate mother. Regardless of what term you use to describe your own "mother", we each had some kind of maternal role in our lives.

From my own personal experience, I've learned, from my own childhood as well as my own experience as a stepmother, that "mothers" are not feckless. I recall from my own childhood my mother caring for us when we were all sick. I remember several instances where my father, my younger brother, and myself were all laid out on the couch or in bed sick with God only knows what disease we contracted and shared between one another. And there she was...running around getting us juice, toast, medicine, etc. And it wasn't until I was older that I realized that I don't recall her ever being sick. I mean, sure, there were times where she didn't feel well...but laid out in bed for days while we waited on her? Never. Mothers don't get sick. They are incredible human beings who take on the world, and all its challenges, dangers, as well as gifts, and nurture and protect their children with the gifts and from the dangers, all at once.

I remember when I was a teenager reading Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul. One of the articles in the book was titled "Mother's Hands". While I can't remember the article verbatim, I remember it describing a child who always feared the kitchen sink. Not an actual fear of the sink itself, but specifically the dark, disgusting, grubby mess that always seems to conjure at the drain from washed dinner plates, pet fur, and soap scum. The child feared reaching his hands into the dark, murky water after helping his mother wash dishes after dinner. After the dish washing ritual was finished, the mother fearlessly reached her hands into the questionable water to pull and release the drain. It was at that point that it occurred to him what a mother's hands encounter on daily basis. It's a mother's hands that symbolize what a mother encounters, fearlessly. 

I am a stepmother. To all the stepmothers out there who read this, you know how difficult it can be. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Coming into a child's life, regardless of the child's age, is not easy...for either party. Dealing with an "ex", whether it is an "ex-girlfriend" or "ex-wife" that is still actively involved in the child's life is even harder. Dealing with a new child, or children, a new spouse, AND an ex-partner just might be the epitome of intense family situations. Running back and forth to schools, day cares, and after-school programs. The rules "here" vs. the rules "there". Child support. Court dates. Custody battles. The list goes on. I've seen it all and none of it is easy. However, personally, I think the part that I had the most difficulty with was what I meant to my stepdaughter. Who am I? I'm not her mother...but I am the "mother" figure in my own household. I'm legally married to her father, but I'm not her "legal guardian".

I remember a time several years ago after my husband and I had just married. There was a REAL slap in the face. There was a parent-teacher conference going on at my stepdaughter's school. I had planned to take the morning off from work to attend with my husband> I wanted to be the new, proud "parent" and take an active interest and involvement in my stepchild's life and education. Unfortunately, something had come up that day and I needed to go to work. However, I tried to plan so that I could at least attend the meeting via a conference call. I had looked up my stepdaughter's teacher through the school's public website and I called and left her a message. I stated who I was and how I was to be attending a meeting with her father and mother. I asked for someone to call me back with a conference line number that I could dial into. After several calls and several messages, no one ever called me back. I was so frustrated and hurt that I could not be a part of the meeting. After touching base with my husband afterwards, the school told him that since I wasn't a "biological parent", I had no right to attend the meeting nor did they feel any obligation to return my calls. I was absolutely dumbfounded. You mean in this day and age with all the different family dynamics they STILL don't consider stepparents as active "parents" in a child's life? I don't remember a time where I had ever felt so hurt and angry.

That was only the starting point. From there I found more and more scenarios where I just didn't count. Working with the schools was a biggie, but then there is the legal system. Child support is based on "household income", which many stepparents are forced to contribute to, but aren't considered "legal guardians". In fact, they are strictly referred to as "caretakers". And you better believe that if something happens to that child on your watch, even if you aren't a "real parent", the punishments are ten-fold. So pay for the kids, assume all responsibilities, but they still aren't yours. The only way to assume legal guardianship is to legally adopt the child, which can only be done if one parent voluntarily gives up parental rights, is deemed unfit and is stripped of parental rights, or is deceased. At least those are the laws of Massachusetts. The system is completely corrupt. After what I do for her and what I contribute to her well-being, I'm just a "caretaker".

Then there are the comments people make. (People ruin everything, they really do). Particularly for those who are first married, the conversations that you have slowly conform to a conversation about children. Which at that point you have no choice but to tell them that you are a "stepparent". After that, at least one of several reactions will take place: some of these include confusion or judgment (as to why you would marry a person with "baggage"), disgust (for the never-ending break down of family dynamics in society...because that's all YOUR fault), or even "that poor woman" (referring to the child's mother...as it is most common that the child's father marries "a younger woman"). The final, yet the least common reaction, is genuine interest or happiness for you.

All in all, I think my favorite reaction was a conversation I had with someone who was also a stepparent. After going through the conversation motions about just getting married, kids, and getting to the part of having a stepdaughter, the reaction I got was, "Oh, I also have stepchildren...but I NEVER call them that." As if I was some horrible person for calling my stepdaughter, well, what she is...my STEP daughter. At that point I started doing the opposite. I started just calling her my "daughter" rather than go through the whole charade. But that didn't help matters. 1.) I felt bad about calling her my "daughter" when she really isn't, out of respect for her mother, and 2.) I got comments and reactions regarding my age. Having a nine year-old at age 27 would have made me 18, should I have really given birth to her. I couldn't win.

All in all, I had a REAL hard time adjusting to this new family dynamic. In trying to deal with my overwhelming feelings, and with no one else to turn to, I came across this book Stepmotherhood by Cherie Burns. It really helped me deal with my feelings. It also gave me one thing I was looking for...validation. It helped show me that my feelings as a whole were not wrong. I recommend this to any stepparent.

In almost three years of marriage, I have begun to accept just who I am. I also found comfort in how my stepdaughter feels about me. All in all, it's up to her the role she wants me to play in her life. If she wanted me to be a mom, then I would be a mom. I would be a friend. I would be a caretaker. I just wanted to care for her and my husband and embrace having a child and family in my home...regardless of whatever that made me. I just go through each day doing the best I can for her and hopefully someday, maybe when she's 25, she'll look back on me and think, "Wow, my stepmom was really there for me." And it'll all be worth it.

So I've learned that just because someone is a "mother" on paper, or even gives birth to a child, does not necessarily make them a "mother". According to the Drama of a Gifted Child, by Alice Miller, a mother doesn't even necessarily have to be a woman. "The act of mothering, another need not be biological or even a woman." In fact, there are more stay-at-home Dads today now more than ever. Not that being a stay-at-home-parent means that you are a better parent than those who are not, but this fun fact just goes to show you that a "mother" doesn't necessarily mean this person is female. 1 point for me, 0 for Merriam-Webster.

For those who feel they had a lack of a "mother" in their lives, my heart goes out to you. Truly. So many childhoods ruined from mothers who were loveless, distant, cold, or even intimidating or used violence. As a result, children who arise from these types of childhoods often grow in fear, or have difficultly with establishing and/or maintaining relationships. Some even develop other mental or psychological disorders such as anxiety or depression. Mothers are crucial to our development as human beings as well as have a direct impact on how we act and behave and how we interact and treat others. Having this taken away from a person, or never having the luxury to really learn love...to love another and to love ourselves...makes some feel robbed, or like a piece of them is missing. Those who live with a negative interpretation of a "mother", live with in pain and suffering until they learn to reach their inner child and accept their life for what it is and make peace with what they never had.

It's interesting to see how "mother" figures have an impact on our lives, for the good and the bad. But from what I've learned as not quite a mother or a parent, or even from loving someone who had a lack of a mother, a "mother" doesn't necessarily have to be a biological. Yes, this of course, is the norm, but certainly isn't the exception to the rule. As I mentioned above, "mothers" should be nurturing, loving, comforting, and should teach us about love. A "mother's" love should teach us about love, and how to love another, and to love ourselves. The strength of a "real" mother is incomparable.


© Cindylynn | Dreamstime.com

The Wild Ride That Is Marriage

I've got one word that describes marriage: crazy. If you are married, or even if you aren't, you may have thought of other words, however, this is the first that comes to my mind, as well as an appropriate word to describe it...my opinion.

So, while you are probably doing your own free association right now, "crazy" doesn't always have to be negative. While, of course, marriage has its ups and downs, its good times and bad, its smooth seas and bumpy roads, it can often times be a little "crazy". In your own relationship or marriage, this could either be positive or negative...but I've learned that it's up to you.

In recent months, I've been through a number of changes at work and at home. One thing I've learned is it is up to me on how I want to handle it. I could easily sit here and say to you, "everything is horrible right now. I hate my job, I hate my marriage, I hate not having any money," blah, blah blah...fill in the blanks. But rather than complain, and while it is very easy for us to do, especially during moments when we want to vent, is that always the best solution? Think about it...other than stressing yourself out, raising your blood pressure, or hurting someone, where does anger get you? Where does complaining get you? What does it solve? Nine times out of ten, we just feel worse.

And why? Why is it harder for us to be positive? Why is getting angry and complaining always the easier way to deal with things? It's because we don't have good role models. Most of us want to blame our parents for something, well, here's your chance. We can totally blame our parents, our grandparents, and our ancestors for the way we communicate. We also each have our own individual "issues" that we've had since childhood. It also boils back down to child rearing. Whether we want to admit it or not, we become our parents. And in that, we take the good with the flaws. And with our flaws, sometimes, okay almost always, emotion gets in the way with how we SHOULD react.

So right now at work, we are undergoing a pretty large reorg. And for the first time in my life, this doesn't seem to mean layoffs for me. In this "reorg", we are basically combining two departments and making them all one job. Now while this means more work for all of us, the job will become more fulfilling and more rewarding, and it will also streamline our current process and work flows, and overall save the company money...which everyone likes. In preparing for this new position, we've formed several different "steering committees" to help put together new documentation, make changes to our current systems, and put together training materials. My job is to help put together training materials.

So I've been avidly working for the last six months on putting together quality and effective training materials to provide to everyone, new hires and colleagues, on how to do this new job. One of the activities I was working on putting together were some team building activities and ways to boost morale. One of the things we came across was something called Fish! Fish! was something that was formed by the guys that work at Pike Place Market in Seattle. To get to the point, one of the Fish! principles is "Choose Your Attitude". This really hit me. Think of all the moments in your day, week, life that you could very easily get angry or upset at someone or something. While some situations absolutely call for it, we DO have the ability to CHOOSE how we want to react to a certain situation. It may be hard, but we do have that choice.

So in tying this back into marriage and relationships, we have the ability, as a partner or spouse, to choose how we want to act towards one another. How we want and should communicate to one another. We have the ability to choose how we want to handle situations, whether they are stressful, difficult, challenging, or what have you. Sometimes there are moments where you could easily get angry at the other person, and I could go on all afternoon on the reasons why, but the next time you feel like getting upset, just think to yourself, "is this really worth arguing over? is this really worth hurting the other person? do I want to treat this person like this?" I bet you will answer "no" to each of these questions. I realize that there are situations that absolutely need to be dealt with and a compromise needs to be met, but choose your words carefully. You can do that.

Just because marriages or relationships have bumps in the road doesn't mean that they aren't valuable, or aren't worth the work, or the other person isn't worth it, or marriage is stupid altogether, it's that you choose to think that way. Sure every relationship and marriage has its issues...but those issues can be worked out, if you choose to work at it. Now, of course, I am by no means a licensed psychologist or counselor, nor have I been married for twenty years, I'm just going on what I have studied and what I have experienced in the short time that I have been married.

Is your marriage "crazy"? Maybe it is. Maybe that's a good thing, or maybe it's not so good. All in all, it's up to you to decide.

© Luba V Nel | Dreamstime.com

Marriage: Is Love Enough?

Marriage is hard. Plain and simple. It's not the whole magical fantasy, happy-ending that Disney, movies, and TV displays. If we are talking about movies, movies will typically show a couple that wants to be together, shows one another they want to be together, then there is a conflict where one must show the other his or her undying love, and then the movie ends with them getting married and having this huge, beautiful wedding. The end. Not really.

What movies don't show is that after the couple is married how hard sometimes things become. There are problems, conflicts, and challenges that Disney and movies don't show you. Whether it's internal issues such as communication, affection, or spending time together, or it's external, work, kids, money, etc., it is common for married couples to struggle with them. I'm no marriage counselor, psychologist, or social worker in any stretch of imagination, but I am married.

It is also easy for a married couple to go to a party, either together or alone, or talk with individual coworkers, and judge another's marriage. This other couple may boast about the luxurious vacations they take, or the new, sporty car they always seem to buy, or how perfect their children are, or how passionate their marriage is. It is easy to get jealous of them, or look at your own marriage and think that there is something wrong. However, no matter how glorious things may seem in another's life, it is sometimes surprising to find that they may be truly unhappy in reality.

The truth is, sometimes love is not enough. There are a lot of factors that go into a marriage in addition to love. There's trust, companionship/partnership, devotion, passion, understanding, and compromise. If any of these things suffer from some kind of conflict, one of the partners can feel damaged, betrayed, or uncared for. It's sometimes difficult to find a balance in order to satisfy each partner's needs or wishes. And honestly, there is no manual for marriage and no marriage is perfect. There are a ton of tips, advice, websites, articles, books, and marriage counselors out there that can help you reach the root of your problem, but ultimately none of them can solve it. Both partners must be willing to solve it. There's that devotion and companionship part again.

It's easy for us to look at those marriages that seem perfect or have last over thirty years. We all wonder 'how did they do it?' It would be naive to say that they didn't go through their own trials and tribulations. Life is hardly without its problems. But the real success is their willing to work through it. Their willing to get to the root of every problem and solve it together. "It takes two to tango".

Then why do so many people get a divorce today? There are several reasons for this. Many people get a divorce because either a) they marry for the wrong reasons - money, security, pressure, etc. or b) it's possible that they just didn't marry the right person, or c) they just weren't willing to work through the problems. Since divorce is so common in our culture today, it's extremely easy to get a divorce. In addition, since so many people are divorced, it's no longer a social taboo. In short, it's easier to get a divorce than work through the problems. But is it really worth it? Is it worth it to spend time and money and effort to get a lawyer, go through the court process, child support, alimony, marital division of the assets? It can be a painful process for all involved. Obviously some situations are different. Those who are involved in a physical or verbal abusive relationship, or one partner is a victim of substance abuse, or is incarcerated, or is abusive to children. All this would fall under letter "b": "Marrying the right person".

With that being said, people change. If you've been married ten plus years, I highly doubt either couple is the same person when you married him or her. We grow, we mature, we change. That's just the way life is. We need to grow or change with them and love who they have grown into or become.

So in regards to marriage, is love enough? Is it worth divorce? Has the person changed? These are all questions a couple must answer for themselves and decide if their marriage is worth the fight.