What Does New Years Mean For You This Year?

New Years has come again. It's time to say goodbye to another year, and look towards the next one. It's also the time of year when people begin thinking about making New Year's resolutions. Some people believe in this more than others. It is about setting goals for yourself in the new year; things that you would do differently. Will you make New Year's resolutions?


The most common New Year's resolutions include losing weight, exercising, or being healthier, or maybe striving to get a promotion at work, or starting a family. All in all, the new year can mean new changes in life. Changes you want to make, or maybe even changes that were supposed to happen, or that you made happen.

Normally New Years doesn't phase me. I never make plans, and for me it's always been just another day. But this year is different. On the way home from work two weeks ago, before my holiday vacation began, I lay on the train and stared out the window, listening to my iPod. I watched as the buildings of the city slowly faded away as the train drove west. I began to think of everything from the year. Ironically, I was listening to Tommy Lee's "Say Goodbye". Flashbacks, pictures, and memories flashed through  my head...like a screenplay. I began to think. The end of 2012 was quickly approaching. It was at that point that I realized that, for me personally, New Years this year is about saying goodbye. I've had to say goodbye to many people and many things. Some included close, personal relationships; an old family member that had passed on, as well as a significant piece of my childhood; several professional relationships; a marriage; and just an angry and unhappy "me" that is now gone...and that I won't miss.

As I wrote in a previous article, 2012 was the year of difficult decisions. I had to make several difficult, life-changing decisions. The decisions I made this year have and will no doubt affect the rest of my life. While a large part of me is nervous for these changes, as I always worry about making the right decisions, I'm also excited for the new paths and opportunities that may come my way in 2013. New Years definitely brings about changes in life.

I'm thankful for the opportunities that have come my way, some of which I have accepted, and others that I chose to pass up. I've had the privilege of meeting and working with some of the most fantastic people I've ever met. I'm truly thankful for those that I've met and for those that have entered and left footprints on my heart this year. Some have even re-entered my life and have enriched it even more. For those I'm also eternally grateful. I wish all those the best of luck and success in 2013.

In less than 24 hours, a new year will be upon us. Will I make New Year's resolutions? I think so. Mine include taking care of myself both physically and mentally, meeting certain professional, personal, and educational goals, and just being a happier and healthier person...which was definitely something I took for granted before.

So what about you? What have you or will you say goodbye to? What does the New Year mean for you? For some the new year may just be another year, or that tomorrow morning will be just another day. While this may be true, my advice to you is to do one thing different tomorrow. This could be not eating something you would normally eat, helping someone, complimenting another, or doing something different for yourself. You'd be surprised how minimal changes such as these can become contagious, and can start your new year off right. Happy New Year.




 © Carolyn Seelen | Dreamstime.com

 © 2010, 2011, 2012 Content written and owned by J.H. Language Solutions. Usage by written permission only.

Being Thankful

The holidays are upon us. Some of us feel excitement while others groan in exasperation because 1) holiday shopping still needs to be done, and/or 2) the holidays mean that another year is almost over, and we are all one year older. Whether you look forward to the holidays or you dread them, for one reason or another, they're here. In the midst of the confusion of shopping, cooking, wrapping, and traveling and dealing with the regular day-to-day routine on top of it all, it's really easy to lose the very essence of what the holidays are about and what they really mean. However, it doesn't have to be this way. Take some time to yourself and really think about what you are thankful for.

For me personally, I've named 2012 the year of tough decisions. However, now that the holidays and the end of the year quickly approaches, I look back and really feel like the decisions I've made were all the right ones. One thing I've learned this year was how important it is to take some time and care for yourself. I'm not talking in a selfish manner where everything is about you or any one person. Taking care of yourself is actually a very healthy thing. When you become so consumed by one thing in your life, be it a job, an obligation of some sort, or maybe even a person or relationship, you can become mentally and even physically unhealthy.

We've all heard the piece of advice, "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else." Most of us who have heard this often think, "what the hell does that mean?" Or some flat out disbelieve it. However, it's really true. If we take the time to truly care and love ourselves, we can then freely and openly give to others and really display compassion. Sure we can give to others, but if we aren't giving enough to ourselves, then we give out of spite or out of bitterness, and that's no way to love.

I know what you must be thinking...that all this sounds really selfish. I thought the same thing when I was first told this. But the more I paid attention and recognized this, the more I began to realize how true it really is. I'm not saying we should ALL put our needs before others', or that we are better than everyone else. That's not the point...because that IS selfish. The point is to recognize that you are important too. Your needs are just as important as others', you deserve love and compassion, and your happiness and health matters.

So in the next few days and in the next few weeks, try to take some time for yourself and think about what you want for yourself this holiday season. Maybe it's finding the time to exercise, or buying that new sweater, getting tickets to a game, working on professional development, or going out for a night with some friends. Either way, try to make time for yourself...and be thankful.




Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Holidays!


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Written content: © 2010, 2011, 2012, J.H. Language Solutions

What is the Most Important Element in a Marriage?

What does it take to make a marriage work? People have been asking this question for decades. Some say trust, respect, loyalty, forgiveness, or the ability to listen. Some even say "don't go to bed mad", or more comically, "lower your expectations". What do you think is the most important element in a marriage, or in any relationship for that matter?

The truth is the success of any marriage or relationship depends on the two personalities involved. It depends on the couples' priorities, values, and beliefs. For some couples it may be trust or respect or the ability to listen that works best for them. These no doubt are all crucial elements to a marriage. However, another biggie that is not often mentioned in these cases is communication.

It's truly amazing the problems that can arise from a lack of communication. It can cause problems in every aspect of your marriage or relationship...from finances, to raising children, to domestic chores, to romance and sex. All of these can leave a person feeling disconnected, disappointed, and lonely. Only at this point does a partner often sink into loneliness and despair, where he or she feels disrespected, taken advantage of, or just plain hurt. Some even look outside a relationship or marriage for intimacy...whether it is physical or emotional. Partners don't necessarily do this to be resentful or deceitful, but when you feel unhappy or like you aren't connecting with your partner, it is only natural for you to begin thinking about someone else or maybe a way out completely.

While infidelity is among the top ten reasons for couples to divorce or even break up, communication is also on that same list. And I bet ten to one that in many instances infidelity can be directly linked to communication, or lack thereof, in one form or another. I'm sure there are cases out there where infidelity is caused for selfish reasons. I am in no way defending or promoting infidelity in any way. I just believe the real, underlying problem is often communication...and it is sad that so many couples face this but do not realize what the real problem is.

Communication is an extremely vital element in marriage that is often overlooked. It is a biological fact that men and women have two completely different styles of communicating. There's no way around this. However, there are ways we as humans and partners can deal with it. One of the most effective ways is to practice empathic listening. Empathic listening is listening to another person speak and focus solely on what the person is saying. When you are in the middle of a heated discussion it is often difficult to put aside your own emotions to listen to the other, especially when you are angry or upset, or even in the middle of an emotionally charged situation. But this step is crucial in order to really listen or reach your partner and avoid arguments. It is also important to take turns speaking and listening so each person gets his or her own time to talk and listen...that way both sides are heard, recognized, and respected. Unfortunately, we do not develop this skill in our childhoods. At least most of us don't. This skill needs to be practiced and learned in order for it to really work effectively.

So what do I know about this? I've been married for a little less than three years and I've only been with my husband for a total of six years, so I couldn't possibly understand the problems couples face who have been married or have been together for ten, twenty, or thirty or more years...nor am I trying to. I simply felt it was appropriate to blog on this topic as this is one of the most crucial items I've learned in only a few years of marriage. I've also learned in that time that this is an area where many couples find difficulty.

However, I can comfortably say that in my three years of marriage, my husband and I have dealt with problems, I mean real problems that some do not face in a lifetime. My husband and I have faced impaling illnesses, injuries, job loss, family deaths or illnesses, moving, financial struggles, separations, court hearings, and we became a step family...all in the matter of a few years. Now that we approach our third year wedding anniversary, we are run down, weary, and feel like we are about fifty years old. We are plain old sick and tired of life...already. Unfortunately, these issues have come between us more than we would have liked. However, in the worst times, we have found that practicing effective communication really and truly is the way out.

Sometimes it's just a matter of feeling like you've got another person on your side at all times. It is even worse when you have to face these issues and you can't really connect with the other person about your fears or concerns. Then you feel like you are dealing with the problems all on your own...which can be a recipe for disaster. These situations can often raise "red flags" in the mind of a person. At that point you begin thinking, "well, I might as well be on my own since I feel that way anyways." It doesn't have to be that way...no matter how bad things may seem.

What causes a lack in communication? This can be difficult to decipher. Again, it really depends on the person. We are already at a disadvantage since men and women communicate differently. One of the most common issues that arise is the woman's need to vent, and the man's need to fix. Often times a woman will come home from work and vent about her day. At this point she may be speaking passionately or may be "fired up" about something that may have happened at work. While this is happening, the man is thinking of ways to "fix" the situation...so he may offer advice such as "why don't you look for another job?" or "why don't you tell your co-worker to mind his/her own business?" This can commonly come across to the woman that the man is annoyed with her for complaining. She may retort with "I don't want another job, you aren't listening!" And thus an argument begins. Men need to understand that more often than not, a woman just wants to vent; to get things off her chest. One the other hand, women need to understand that the man wants to "fix" the situation...because ladies, it is true that men who really love us just want us to be happy. To avoid this, women can often tell her partner, "I don't want you to feel like you have to 'fix' anything, I just need to listen." A lot of times this can help as the man suddenly feels "off the hook" and he knows that the only thing he needs to do is listen.

This is probably a very straight forward example. However, it would be naive to think that this is the only situation that causes arguments. When you have been with someone for a significant amount of time, you learn their "trigger objects" or what sets them off. In many relationships one person can unintentionally set the other person off. For example, you may scream or swear at another driver who cuts you off or may have almost caused an accident. Your anger may make the other person who is sitting in the passenger's seat feel uneasy or uncomfortable. The partner in the passenger's seat may make an angered or negative comment, maybe because he or she is acting out of fear or apprehension. Then, that reaction will set off the already angered driver...ultimately resulting in another argument. And so the vicious cycle continues. While this may also be another naive example, you can apply this situation to other more intense emotionally charged situations. In cases where a partner may feel unloved, ignored, or not cared for, it could be a simple case where the other partner's behavior is misinterpreted. Maybe the other partner isn't sure of what the others' needs are, or how to react when the other is upset. Maybe one partner feels like the other wants to be left alone when the other needs romance or compassion. Again, all this can be resolved with communication.

I know, easier said than done, right? Communication is not an easy thing to instill in a relationship or marriage. It takes practice and a lot of work. But any marriage or relationship that is worth it to you will be worth the time. It's difficult to break this cycle and get on the right path...the path that leaves to healthy and effective communication which equals more love and understanding and compassion for both partners.


Copyright: 2012, J.H. Language Solutions

Photo © Yanik Chauvin | Dreamstime.com

My Grandmother's House

It's amazing how much sights and smells can remind you of a certain time in your life...almost instantly.

Yesterday my brother and I went to visit my vacant grandmother's house. It's been empty for about nine months now. My grandfather passed away in February 2003, and my grandmother has been alone since. In that time, she cared for my two cousins until they grew up, and her sister, until she also passed away.

My grandmother was always a nurturer. She spent her life caring for my grandfather, her two boys, her grandchildren, and sick family members.  Unfortunately, the time has come when she can no longer live on her own. After being diagnosed with and treated for skin cancer and a series of accidents, she now lives with my aunt and uncle, the gracious people that they are, where she will most likely stay until her time comes. Since then, all of us have taken turns visiting the house, cleaning things out, and feeding her cat until he was found another home.

While my brother and I were there yesterday, it just amazes me how surreal it still is. The quaint little Cape used to be full of knick-knacks, old-fashioned furniture and quilts, and always the smell of something delicious cooking in the oven. Now there are only remnants of boxes, old musty photo albums, dispersed chairs and furniture that will most likely be donated, dust bunnies, and some old, cheap Christmas decorations. The smell of home cooked meals and love have faded away with time and loneliness and were replaced with a stale, musty scent with just a hint of an old woman's tears.

Every sound, every smell instantly brought me back to my childhood. The sound the storm door makes when you open it, the creak of the floor boards as you step into the kitchen, the smell of the home itself that hasn't faded in thirty years. It was like just yesterday my brother and I were there on summer vacations, coloring on the porch floor, sipping ice cream floats in the backyard grass, and drawing in the driveway with sidewalk chalk. It just amazes me how fast the time goes...and how quickly the little, quaint, three-bedroom house with the little red, wooden tulips that sit in the windows have become white...faded from years on sunlight. Faded over time.

A very large part of me felt sad. I missed it. It just amazes me how fast the time goes...and how quickly the little house, that was once filled with life and family, became abandoned, lonely, and sad. We spend some much time of our childhood waiting to get older. Then when we get older and become adults, we wonder how quickly everything slipped through our fingers. It almost doesn't seem fair.

As my brother and I pawed through items...old dishes, tools, my grandmother's ceramics that we remember, and haven't moved from their homes on the wooden carved shelves in thirty years. My grandfather's tool bench in the basement sill has his handwriting on the walls, there were old, rusty, nickel keys that belonged to cars that have been gone for at least twenty years. There were old toys that were right where we left them...which seemed like just yesterday.

As we wandered in the backyard, we couldn't believe how small it seemed. When we would run out the back door and into the yard, it seemed so much bigger to us then. It seemed like we ran from miles from the back of the house all the way to the fence. The backyard used to be overflowing with flowers, plants, vegetables, and huge sunflowers that seemed tall enough to kiss the sun, and a large garden that my uncle used to care for. Walking in that garden seemed to go on forever. It was like a dense jungle that you could easily get lost in. I remember walking through that garden, holding onto my uncle's rear end pocket, afraid yet mesmerized.

Now the backyard seems empty and lonely. My grandmother's clothesline is overrun with grape vines and ivy, and are old and full of moss. It seems like a lifetime since they've seen and held clothes. All that remains is one, single maple tree. A young tree that symbolizes the birth of new life that the house would see again one day.

It was weird to think that none of us would be coming back here to live or visit again. My grandmother's days for caring for others are gone. And while the home is still filled with spirits of my grandparents, and my father and uncle, my brother and I and our cousins, it's also filled with the ghosts of what seems like lifetimes past. Regardless of where I go or where I end up, it will always and forever be my grandmother's house.



Cover image:

SUNFLOWER
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© Content written and owned by J.H. Language Solutions. Usage by written permission only.

The Wild Ride That Is Marriage

I've got one word that describes marriage: crazy. If you are married, or even if you aren't, you may have thought of other words, however, this is the first that comes to my mind, as well as an appropriate word to describe it...my opinion.

So, while you are probably doing your own free association right now, "crazy" doesn't always have to be negative. While, of course, marriage has its ups and downs, its good times and bad, its smooth seas and bumpy roads, it can often times be a little "crazy". In your own relationship or marriage, this could either be positive or negative...but I've learned that it's up to you.

In recent months, I've been through a number of changes at work and at home. One thing I've learned is it is up to me on how I want to handle it. I could easily sit here and say to you, "everything is horrible right now. I hate my job, I hate my marriage, I hate not having any money," blah, blah blah...fill in the blanks. But rather than complain, and while it is very easy for us to do, especially during moments when we want to vent, is that always the best solution? Think about it...other than stressing yourself out, raising your blood pressure, or hurting someone, where does anger get you? Where does complaining get you? What does it solve? Nine times out of ten, we just feel worse.

And why? Why is it harder for us to be positive? Why is getting angry and complaining always the easier way to deal with things? It's because we don't have good role models. Most of us want to blame our parents for something, well, here's your chance. We can totally blame our parents, our grandparents, and our ancestors for the way we communicate. We also each have our own individual "issues" that we've had since childhood. It also boils back down to child rearing. Whether we want to admit it or not, we become our parents. And in that, we take the good with the flaws. And with our flaws, sometimes, okay almost always, emotion gets in the way with how we SHOULD react.

So right now at work, we are undergoing a pretty large reorg. And for the first time in my life, this doesn't seem to mean layoffs for me. In this "reorg", we are basically combining two departments and making them all one job. Now while this means more work for all of us, the job will become more fulfilling and more rewarding, and it will also streamline our current process and work flows, and overall save the company money...which everyone likes. In preparing for this new position, we've formed several different "steering committees" to help put together new documentation, make changes to our current systems, and put together training materials. My job is to help put together training materials.

So I've been avidly working for the last six months on putting together quality and effective training materials to provide to everyone, new hires and colleagues, on how to do this new job. One of the activities I was working on putting together were some team building activities and ways to boost morale. One of the things we came across was something called Fish! Fish! was something that was formed by the guys that work at Pike Place Market in Seattle. To get to the point, one of the Fish! principles is "Choose Your Attitude". This really hit me. Think of all the moments in your day, week, life that you could very easily get angry or upset at someone or something. While some situations absolutely call for it, we DO have the ability to CHOOSE how we want to react to a certain situation. It may be hard, but we do have that choice.

So in tying this back into marriage and relationships, we have the ability, as a partner or spouse, to choose how we want to act towards one another. How we want and should communicate to one another. We have the ability to choose how we want to handle situations, whether they are stressful, difficult, challenging, or what have you. Sometimes there are moments where you could easily get angry at the other person, and I could go on all afternoon on the reasons why, but the next time you feel like getting upset, just think to yourself, "is this really worth arguing over? is this really worth hurting the other person? do I want to treat this person like this?" I bet you will answer "no" to each of these questions. I realize that there are situations that absolutely need to be dealt with and a compromise needs to be met, but choose your words carefully. You can do that.

Just because marriages or relationships have bumps in the road doesn't mean that they aren't valuable, or aren't worth the work, or the other person isn't worth it, or marriage is stupid altogether, it's that you choose to think that way. Sure every relationship and marriage has its issues...but those issues can be worked out, if you choose to work at it. Now, of course, I am by no means a licensed psychologist or counselor, nor have I been married for twenty years, I'm just going on what I have studied and what I have experienced in the short time that I have been married.

Is your marriage "crazy"? Maybe it is. Maybe that's a good thing, or maybe it's not so good. All in all, it's up to you to decide.

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Marriage: Is Love Enough?

Marriage is hard. Plain and simple. It's not the whole magical fantasy, happy-ending that Disney, movies, and TV displays. If we are talking about movies, movies will typically show a couple that wants to be together, shows one another they want to be together, then there is a conflict where one must show the other his or her undying love, and then the movie ends with them getting married and having this huge, beautiful wedding. The end. Not really.

What movies don't show is that after the couple is married how hard sometimes things become. There are problems, conflicts, and challenges that Disney and movies don't show you. Whether it's internal issues such as communication, affection, or spending time together, or it's external, work, kids, money, etc., it is common for married couples to struggle with them. I'm no marriage counselor, psychologist, or social worker in any stretch of imagination, but I am married.

It is also easy for a married couple to go to a party, either together or alone, or talk with individual coworkers, and judge another's marriage. This other couple may boast about the luxurious vacations they take, or the new, sporty car they always seem to buy, or how perfect their children are, or how passionate their marriage is. It is easy to get jealous of them, or look at your own marriage and think that there is something wrong. However, no matter how glorious things may seem in another's life, it is sometimes surprising to find that they may be truly unhappy in reality.

The truth is, sometimes love is not enough. There are a lot of factors that go into a marriage in addition to love. There's trust, companionship/partnership, devotion, passion, understanding, and compromise. If any of these things suffer from some kind of conflict, one of the partners can feel damaged, betrayed, or uncared for. It's sometimes difficult to find a balance in order to satisfy each partner's needs or wishes. And honestly, there is no manual for marriage and no marriage is perfect. There are a ton of tips, advice, websites, articles, books, and marriage counselors out there that can help you reach the root of your problem, but ultimately none of them can solve it. Both partners must be willing to solve it. There's that devotion and companionship part again.

It's easy for us to look at those marriages that seem perfect or have last over thirty years. We all wonder 'how did they do it?' It would be naive to say that they didn't go through their own trials and tribulations. Life is hardly without its problems. But the real success is their willing to work through it. Their willing to get to the root of every problem and solve it together. "It takes two to tango".

Then why do so many people get a divorce today? There are several reasons for this. Many people get a divorce because either a) they marry for the wrong reasons - money, security, pressure, etc. or b) it's possible that they just didn't marry the right person, or c) they just weren't willing to work through the problems. Since divorce is so common in our culture today, it's extremely easy to get a divorce. In addition, since so many people are divorced, it's no longer a social taboo. In short, it's easier to get a divorce than work through the problems. But is it really worth it? Is it worth it to spend time and money and effort to get a lawyer, go through the court process, child support, alimony, marital division of the assets? It can be a painful process for all involved. Obviously some situations are different. Those who are involved in a physical or verbal abusive relationship, or one partner is a victim of substance abuse, or is incarcerated, or is abusive to children. All this would fall under letter "b": "Marrying the right person".

With that being said, people change. If you've been married ten plus years, I highly doubt either couple is the same person when you married him or her. We grow, we mature, we change. That's just the way life is. We need to grow or change with them and love who they have grown into or become.

So in regards to marriage, is love enough? Is it worth divorce? Has the person changed? These are all questions a couple must answer for themselves and decide if their marriage is worth the fight.