I realize that Mother's Day has long past for the year. My intentions were to write this article for then, however, I found it incredibly hard to put this article together. It really didn't occur to me until I began writing this the crucial role that mothers play in our development as human beings and in our lives. First off, I'd like to begin by discussing the term, as well as the role of a "mother". What is a mother?
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "mother" as:
a : a female parent b (1) : a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women (2) : an old or elderly woman
I think both these definitions are up for debate. In today's world, mothers aren't necessarily "parents", by definition, nor are they necessarily female. So, I ask again, what is a mother?
How would you describe a mother? Perhaps your mother was how a mother "should" be, in that this person was nurturing, loving, affectionate, protecting, and compassionate. Or perhaps your mother was distant, cold, maybe even abusive. Or perhaps your "mother" was a stepparent, or a grandmother, or a sister, a foster mother, or even a surrogate mother. Regardless of what term you use to describe your own "mother", we each had some kind of maternal role in our lives.
From my own personal experience, I've learned, from my own childhood as well as my own experience as a stepmother, that "mothers" are not feckless. I recall from my own childhood my mother caring for us when we were all sick. I remember several instances where my father, my younger brother, and myself were all laid out on the couch or in bed sick with God only knows what disease we contracted and shared between one another. And there she was...running around getting us juice, toast, medicine, etc. And it wasn't until I was older that I realized that I don't recall her ever being sick. I mean, sure, there were times where she didn't feel well...but laid out in bed for days while we waited on her? Never. Mothers don't get sick. They are incredible human beings who take on the world, and all its challenges, dangers, as well as gifts, and nurture and protect their children with the gifts and from the dangers, all at once.
I remember when I was a teenager reading Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul. One of the articles in the book was titled "Mother's Hands". While I can't remember the article verbatim, I remember it describing a child who always feared the kitchen sink. Not an actual fear of the sink itself, but specifically the dark, disgusting, grubby mess that always seems to conjure at the drain from washed dinner plates, pet fur, and soap scum. The child feared reaching his hands into the dark, murky water after helping his mother wash dishes after dinner. After the dish washing ritual was finished, the mother fearlessly reached her hands into the questionable water to pull and release the drain. It was at that point that it occurred to him what a mother's hands encounter on daily basis. It's a mother's hands that symbolize what a mother encounters, fearlessly.
I am a stepmother. To all the stepmothers out there who read this, you know how difficult it can be. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Coming into a child's life, regardless of the child's age, is not easy...for either party. Dealing with an "ex", whether it is an "ex-girlfriend" or "ex-wife" that is still actively involved in the child's life is even harder. Dealing with a new child, or children, a new spouse, AND an ex-partner just might be the epitome of intense family situations. Running back and forth to schools, day cares, and after-school programs. The rules "here" vs. the rules "there". Child support. Court dates. Custody battles. The list goes on. I've seen it all and none of it is easy. However, personally, I think the part that I had the most difficulty with was what I meant to my stepdaughter. Who am I? I'm not her mother...but I am the "mother" figure in my own household. I'm legally married to her father, but I'm not her "legal guardian".
I remember a time several years ago after my husband and I had just married. There was a REAL slap in the face. There was a parent-teacher conference going on at my stepdaughter's school. I had planned to take the morning off from work to attend with my husband> I wanted to be the new, proud "parent" and take an active interest and involvement in my stepchild's life and education. Unfortunately, something had come up that day and I needed to go to work. However, I tried to plan so that I could at least attend the meeting via a conference call. I had looked up my stepdaughter's teacher through the school's public website and I called and left her a message. I stated who I was and how I was to be attending a meeting with her father and mother. I asked for someone to call me back with a conference line number that I could dial into. After several calls and several messages, no one ever called me back. I was so frustrated and hurt that I could not be a part of the meeting. After touching base with my husband afterwards, the school told him that since I wasn't a "biological parent", I had no right to attend the meeting nor did they feel any obligation to return my calls. I was absolutely dumbfounded. You mean in this day and age with all the different family dynamics they STILL don't consider stepparents as active "parents" in a child's life? I don't remember a time where I had ever felt so hurt and angry.
That was only the starting point. From there I found more and more scenarios where I just didn't count. Working with the schools was a biggie, but then there is the legal system. Child support is based on "household income", which many stepparents are forced to contribute to, but aren't considered "legal guardians". In fact, they are strictly referred to as "caretakers". And you better believe that if something happens to that child on your watch, even if you aren't a "real parent", the punishments are ten-fold. So pay for the kids, assume all responsibilities, but they still aren't yours. The only way to assume legal guardianship is to legally adopt the child, which can only be done if one parent voluntarily gives up parental rights, is deemed unfit and is stripped of parental rights, or is deceased. At least those are the laws of Massachusetts. The system is completely corrupt. After what I do for her and what I contribute to her well-being, I'm just a "caretaker".
Then there are the comments people make. (People ruin everything, they really do). Particularly for those who are first married, the conversations that you have slowly conform to a conversation about children. Which at that point you have no choice but to tell them that you are a "stepparent". After that, at least one of several reactions will take place: some of these include confusion or judgment (as to why you would marry a person with "baggage"), disgust (for the never-ending break down of family dynamics in society...because that's all YOUR fault), or even "that poor woman" (referring to the child's mother...as it is most common that the child's father marries "a younger woman"). The final, yet the least common reaction, is genuine interest or happiness for you.
All in all, I think my favorite reaction was a conversation I had with someone who was also a stepparent. After going through the conversation motions about just getting married, kids, and getting to the part of having a stepdaughter, the reaction I got was, "Oh, I also have stepchildren...but I NEVER call them that." As if I was some horrible person for calling my stepdaughter, well, what she is...my STEP daughter. At that point I started doing the opposite. I started just calling her my "daughter" rather than go through the whole charade. But that didn't help matters. 1.) I felt bad about calling her my "daughter" when she really isn't, out of respect for her mother, and 2.) I got comments and reactions regarding my age. Having a nine year-old at age 27 would have made me 18, should I have really given birth to her. I couldn't win.
All in all, I had a REAL hard time adjusting to this new family dynamic. In trying to deal with my overwhelming feelings, and with no one else to turn to, I came across this book Stepmotherhood by Cherie Burns. It really helped me deal with my feelings. It also gave me one thing I was looking for...validation. It helped show me that my feelings as a whole were not wrong. I recommend this to any stepparent.
In almost three years of marriage, I have begun to accept just who I am. I also found comfort in how my stepdaughter feels about me. All in all, it's up to her the role she wants me to play in her life. If she wanted me to be a mom, then I would be a mom. I would be a friend. I would be a caretaker. I just wanted to care for her and my husband and embrace having a child and family in my home...regardless of whatever that made me. I just go through each day doing the best I can for her and hopefully someday, maybe when she's 25, she'll look back on me and think, "Wow, my stepmom was really there for me." And it'll all be worth it.
So I've learned that just because someone is a "mother" on paper, or even gives birth to a child, does not necessarily make them a "mother". According to the Drama of a Gifted Child, by Alice Miller, a mother doesn't even necessarily have to be a woman. "The act of mothering, another need not be biological or even a woman." In fact, there are more stay-at-home Dads today now more than ever. Not that being a stay-at-home-parent means that you are a better parent than those who are not, but this fun fact just goes to show you that a "mother" doesn't necessarily mean this person is female. 1 point for me, 0 for Merriam-Webster.
For those who feel they had a lack of a "mother" in their lives, my heart goes out to you. Truly. So many childhoods ruined from mothers who were loveless, distant, cold, or even intimidating or used violence. As a result, children who arise from these types of childhoods often grow in fear, or have difficultly with establishing and/or maintaining relationships. Some even develop other mental or psychological disorders such as anxiety or depression. Mothers are crucial to our development as human beings as well as have a direct impact on how we act and behave and how we interact and treat others. Having this taken away from a person, or never having the luxury to really learn love...to love another and to love ourselves...makes some feel robbed, or like a piece of them is missing. Those who live with a negative interpretation of a "mother", live with in pain and suffering until they learn to reach their inner child and accept their life for what it is and make peace with what they never had.
It's interesting to see how "mother" figures have an impact on our lives, for the good and the bad. But from what I've learned as not quite a mother or a parent, or even from loving someone who had a lack of a mother, a "mother" doesn't necessarily have to be a biological. Yes, this of course, is the norm, but certainly isn't the exception to the rule. As I mentioned above, "mothers" should be nurturing, loving, comforting, and should teach us about love. A "mother's" love should teach us about love, and how to love another, and to love ourselves. The strength of a "real" mother is incomparable.
© Cindylynn | Dreamstime.com
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