The truth is the success of any marriage or relationship depends on the two personalities involved. It depends on the couples' priorities, values, and beliefs. For some couples it may be trust or respect or the ability to listen that works best for them. These no doubt are all crucial elements to a marriage. However, another biggie that is not often mentioned in these cases is communication.
It's truly amazing the problems that can arise from a lack of communication. It can cause problems in every aspect of your marriage or relationship...from finances, to raising children, to domestic chores, to romance and sex. All of these can leave a person feeling disconnected, disappointed, and lonely. Only at this point does a partner often sink into loneliness and despair, where he or she feels disrespected, taken advantage of, or just plain hurt. Some even look outside a relationship or marriage for intimacy...whether it is physical or emotional. Partners don't necessarily do this to be resentful or deceitful, but when you feel unhappy or like you aren't connecting with your partner, it is only natural for you to begin thinking about someone else or maybe a way out completely.
While infidelity is among the top ten reasons for couples to divorce or even break up, communication is also on that same list. And I bet ten to one that in many instances infidelity can be directly linked to communication, or lack thereof, in one form or another. I'm sure there are cases out there where infidelity is caused for selfish reasons. I am in no way defending or promoting infidelity in any way. I just believe the real, underlying problem is often communication...and it is sad that so many couples face this but do not realize what the real problem is.
Communication is an extremely vital element in marriage that is often overlooked. It is a biological fact that men and women have two completely different styles of communicating. There's no way around this. However, there are ways we as humans and partners can deal with it. One of the most effective ways is to practice empathic listening. Empathic listening is listening to another person speak and focus solely on what the person is saying. When you are in the middle of a heated discussion it is often difficult to put aside your own emotions to listen to the other, especially when you are angry or upset, or even in the middle of an emotionally charged situation. But this step is crucial in order to really listen or reach your partner and avoid arguments. It is also important to take turns speaking and listening so each person gets his or her own time to talk and listen...that way both sides are heard, recognized, and respected. Unfortunately, we do not develop this skill in our childhoods. At least most of us don't. This skill needs to be practiced and learned in order for it to really work effectively.
So what do I know about this? I've been married for a little less than three years and I've only been with my husband for a total of six years, so I couldn't possibly understand the problems couples face who have been married or have been together for ten, twenty, or thirty or more years...nor am I trying to. I simply felt it was appropriate to blog on this topic as this is one of the most crucial items I've learned in only a few years of marriage. I've also learned in that time that this is an area where many couples find difficulty.
However, I can comfortably say that in my three years of marriage, my husband and I have dealt with problems, I mean real problems that some do not face in a lifetime. My husband and I have faced impaling illnesses, injuries, job loss, family deaths or illnesses, moving, financial struggles, separations, court hearings, and we became a step family...all in the matter of a few years. Now that we approach our third year wedding anniversary, we are run down, weary, and feel like we are about fifty years old. We are plain old sick and tired of life...already. Unfortunately, these issues have come between us more than we would have liked. However, in the worst times, we have found that practicing effective communication really and truly is the way out.
Sometimes it's just a matter of feeling like you've got another person on your side at all times. It is even worse when you have to face these issues and you can't really connect with the other person about your fears or concerns. Then you feel like you are dealing with the problems all on your own...which can be a recipe for disaster. These situations can often raise "red flags" in the mind of a person. At that point you begin thinking, "well, I might as well be on my own since I feel that way anyways." It doesn't have to be that way...no matter how bad things may seem.
What causes a lack in communication? This can be difficult to decipher. Again, it really depends on the person. We are already at a disadvantage since men and women communicate differently. One of the most common issues that arise is the woman's need to vent, and the man's need to fix. Often times a woman will come home from work and vent about her day. At this point she may be speaking passionately or may be "fired up" about something that may have happened at work. While this is happening, the man is thinking of ways to "fix" the situation...so he may offer advice such as "why don't you look for another job?" or "why don't you tell your co-worker to mind his/her own business?" This can commonly come across to the woman that the man is annoyed with her for complaining. She may retort with "I don't want another job, you aren't listening!" And thus an argument begins. Men need to understand that more often than not, a woman just wants to vent; to get things off her chest. One the other hand, women need to understand that the man wants to "fix" the situation...because ladies, it is true that men who really love us just want us to be happy. To avoid this, women can often tell her partner, "I don't want you to feel like you have to 'fix' anything, I just need to listen." A lot of times this can help as the man suddenly feels "off the hook" and he knows that the only thing he needs to do is listen.
This is probably a very straight forward example. However, it would be naive to think that this is the only situation that causes arguments. When you have been with someone for a significant amount of time, you learn their "trigger objects" or what sets them off. In many relationships one person can unintentionally set the other person off. For example, you may scream or swear at another driver who cuts you off or may have almost caused an accident. Your anger may make the other person who is sitting in the passenger's seat feel uneasy or uncomfortable. The partner in the passenger's seat may make an angered or negative comment, maybe because he or she is acting out of fear or apprehension. Then, that reaction will set off the already angered driver...ultimately resulting in another argument. And so the vicious cycle continues. While this may also be another naive example, you can apply this situation to other more intense emotionally charged situations. In cases where a partner may feel unloved, ignored, or not cared for, it could be a simple case where the other partner's behavior is misinterpreted. Maybe the other partner isn't sure of what the others' needs are, or how to react when the other is upset. Maybe one partner feels like the other wants to be left alone when the other needs romance or compassion. Again, all this can be resolved with communication.
I know, easier said than done, right? Communication is not an easy thing to instill in a relationship or marriage. It takes practice and a lot of work. But any marriage or relationship that is worth it to you will be worth the time. It's difficult to break this cycle and get on the right path...the path that leaves to healthy and effective communication which equals more love and understanding and compassion for both partners.
Copyright: 2012, J.H. Language Solutions
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